Post by Jinx on Sept 17, 2009 18:01:28 GMT -5
x
x
Mood Swings
There was something really nice about sunsets. Call her a sap, but Jinx completely loved them. The colors, the way everything just sort of slowed for that one moment, everything hanging in the air for just a second before the sun slipped below the horizon and everything returned to normal. For that one, simple little moment, Jinx could close her eyes, bask in the...the...serene-ness of it all, and just feel like it could be all right. Her favorite place to do this from was on top of an office building in Jump City. One of the tallest in the city, it was dwarfed only by that blight upon the landscape. The Teen Titans' home headquarters, that stupid T tower. It was just visible out of the girl's peripheral vision as she sat, legs dangling out over the dropaway to the street below, fingers lightly gripping the edge to brace her, enough to say she wasn't careless but certainly not as tightly as one who truly cared about life and was careful would hold on. Just enough, Jinx thought. With her pale face tipped upright to absorb the waning sunlight, she felt her heart still for one moment. Just one simple, silly, stupid little moment. And it was enough to get her through another day.
It wasn't really as if Jinx hated the Titans. Okay, well wait. Maybe that wasn't true, but it was more complex than just hate. She wasn't too proud to admit (to herself) that it was in a big part jealousy. And why not? They had a home, a loyal team, friendships that would never waver, the admiration and adoration of the city, the respect from (almost) everyone...But probably most significant to Jinx was the one thing she felt she could never ever have. The goodness. No matter what people (okay, one person. One very special person.) had told her, she just couldn't believe it. She wanted to, but the thought of her being good...It was something that escaped her. She'd had her chance...and she hadn't been able to stand strong when her support had left her. The Titans had never known that. They'd never had to walk down the street, knowing people only saw them as the leader of that stupid group the HIVE Five. She knew they'd never experienced the gut-wrenching pain of losing your team, no matter how far you'd grown apart (it was the principle behind it that hurt most of all, really. They were her team, yet they'd so easily let her down!), of suddenly being on that cusp of not knowing what in the world to do, where to go. They'd never had to question whether or not living another day was worth it. Of this much, Jinx was sure. But even past the mind-numbing, gut-wrenching jealousy and longing to be in that warm tower, the teenager had a tangled web of other emotions directed towards the inhabitants of that tower. Namely? A boy named Cyborg, though Jinx had always known him as Stone. He was one more in her long list of people she'd thought she could trust and had been let down by. He was right up near the top, in fact, as much as she hated to admit it, as much as she wished it wasn't true. She'd let him get to know her, trusted him explicitly, and he'd closed down her home, the one home she'd ever known to that point. Had completely turned on her. And after her oh-so-recent (or so it seemed to her) failure as a "good guy", Jinx knew he probably hated her completely. It was all she felt she deserved, though--she didn't deserve anyone's respect, trust, or love. She couldn't ever be good, but she wasn't even consistently bad. She just fell into that lame gray area where no one wanted her. But still...it hurt. Oh well. Just one more on a long list of things to hurt over. The pink-haired teen sighed, her fingers clawing hard for a moment at the railing as her grip tightened in an unconscious response. It was her body--emotional turmoil triggered the fight or flight response in her. And Jinx would always fight. After all, it was all she knew how to do. The only thing she could do well. And people could still beat her at that anyhow. (Most certainly they could when she was like she was now, a loner without a team or an ally). It was dangerous, but then again, did Jinx really care? No, she didn't think she did. She saw no real reason to not fling herself off this ledge right now...
Standing up, heavy shoes uncertain as she hovered on the edge, teetering so perilously close that she would have slipped and fallen had she not had the precision and balance her gymnastics training had lent her, Jinx spread her arms out as far as they could go, fingers extended and tingling as adrenaline surged into her. The wind was light, but it buffeted her none the less, like a subtle hand pushing her back from the edge. It would be easy. So easy to just...Step. She could even fool herself, pretend that she'd slipped...The fall was not scary, she knew. The impact would only hurt a second. A second of pain to trade for a lifetime of it? Sounded fair to her...Jinx was aware that she was shaking, just almost imperceptibly. Her fingertips trembled, and she was screaming at herself mentally. Do it! But she couldn't. There was something holding her back from the ledge. Something...or someone? Wally? Her gut wrenched at the thought. No. Not Wally. Wait, yes, Wally was definitely one reason. But he was a whole new wealth of pain that she so rarely allowed herself to scratch the surface on. Quite possibly her one and only chance at love...Jinx feared she'd never get another, either with him or at all. She knew he deserved so much better than her. Someone tan and blonde, a girl with a sweet laugh who could look at him and not feel any doubt, not any brooding. Someone who didn't seem to be teetering on the edge of insanity, on the brink of uncertainty. Someone who didn't have demons fighting at her all the time, someone who was unequivocally, undoubtedly, ridiculously good. Someone completely unlike her. She'd let him know her as much as she could ever dare to let anyone. And even when he'd turned her away, said she couldn't follow him, she'd still clung to that love. She still did, but she couldn't deny that there was anger there, and most definitely, without a doubt, hurt there too. But she knew he still cared about her, wherever he was. She had no doubt about that, and she couldn't make herself betray that. His warm smile swam before her vision, and Jinx felt weak in the knees. Swaying on the spot, she felt the ground lurch towards her almost imperceptibly for a moment before she steadied herself. Just one foot in front of the other.
